Stay positive...

Ugh. It's just so hard. I never realized how hard this shit could be. I'm so used to being happy and positive. And I pretend to keep my cool around others but inside I'm just a wreck. It's so hard to think and speak sometimes because my mind is in a different universe, one that I want to escape from so badly, but I can't. Things could be worse, and I know that and I'm lucky they aren't, but it's still hard to stay positive sometimes. People keep telling me to be but until they've walked in my shoes and have felt the shit my body has gone through, then they will never know the constant battle it is to stay positive. Sometimes it's easier than others. Sometimes it's just natural. But times like this, when you lose one of the only people you could relate to and you're hearing all this shit from doctors and you feel like it's the end, that's the time when my mind is raging a war between self destruction and positivity. I don't let others see this Alyssa. The Alyssa that has already given up. The one that just doesn't want to deal with this anymore. That Alyssa will never raise to the surface until Hell freezes over and the earth is ruled by chaotic monkeys. That part of me is mine and mine alone to be dealt with.

To those who are struggling with cancer it's ok to feel like shit. Don't feel like you always have to be positive, that's a myth. I think feeling like shit helps because once you get back on your horse you feel 10 times better than you did before. Just know you're always! always going to bounce back. It's programmed in us :) Just stick to your morals and beliefs, cause only you and you alone know what you're going through at this moment.