I woke up feeling worse than I did yesterday. I can't help but feel that I'm next. Seems like everything is foreshadowing my demise. I keep jumping all over the five stages of grief/death. One minute I'm angry, the next minute I jump a few stages and I accept it for what it is and the next I'm denying everything saying "why me?" Honestly, what the fuck did I do to be stuck with this rotten disease? During my five years and 11 months of remission I did everything right, at least I think so. I didn't touch drugs or alcohol and I stayed out of trouble and It still comes back? Now I'm really losing faith. I'm back at stage 2; anger. But then again, sometimes I do think it's my fault It came back. There were some days when I questioned my survivorship and maybe that's why I'm being punished again.
I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst, but that's easier said than done. I would love to have an open mind on things, but it's so hard when all the odds are against you. There are too many things that can go wrong. I'm not even sure if my body can handle anymore chemo. This next round is probably going to be the roughest round I've ever had. It has to get rid of all my marrow. (It kind of sucks to think that my marrow isn't good enough for me, it makes me feel belittled) It has crossed my mind many of times to withdrawal from treatment and just run away. But that would be choosing the easy way out and giving up. And who am I to give up when there are people who die trying to survive.
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