calm before the storm...

Well I just got back from my first visit with the transplant doctor, and holy shit, was it depressing. Before I went there I somewhat knew what I was in for but obviously I didn't. I'm still doing another round of high dose chemo. The way she was describing it, it didn't sound like a walk in the park. IF I make it through the round of chemo they'll proceed with the transplant. My doctor told me that I'll be the about 6th person in the hospital to have the type of transplant I'm having (I'm having a stem cell transplant as opposed to the actual marrow from another person). My new immune system is coming from a cute lil baby, their cord blood. She mentioned the two tricky things about it, which I kind of forgot. It was just so much information to take in. She was sure to mention all the scary shit that can and most likely will happen. And she also mentioned that I will most likely be infertile after my transplant, which I guess I don't mind, at least for now :/. The other alternative is to do this clinical trial thing at Johns Hopkins. As much as I would love to go there that would just be too much for my family. I guess I'm officially out of pediatrics. For now on I'll be on the adult floor. I feel like now I'm really forced to grow up and take responsibility for my actions (and I'm far from ready to do that). For the next few months to years I won't be able to live the life that most young people live and the life I saw for myself, but se la vie right? Right. I know that some people are going to try to "cheer me up," and some have already tried but as much as i appreciate it, it really doesn't work. I don't enjoy people sugarcoating things to make me feel better, I really don't. It is what it is.

I still feel like I have no one to turn to. I feel it's a waste of time trying to connect with some people when they really just won't get it at all. Not even the least bit. But whatever.

So I'm going back to the clinic again tomorrow to see my lovely oncologist and hopefully she might make me feel better. And that's another thing. I've known my current oncologist now for about 7 years and I know she's good at what she does, but now I have to try to trust these new adult doctors with my life...

I'm supposed to get chemo and stuff in about another week or two. They're "giving me next week off." So right now I'm relaxing while I can. Suddenly I don't feel as confident as I did before about this. That calmness and excitement is quickly turning into nervousness and doubt.