Sometimes...

Nothing's worth it. I know I sound ungrateful right now. But there are just days that aren't worth getting out of bed for. I'm usually the type of person to think that every day should be worth a sunrise and a sunset, but nowadays things have taken its toll emotionally and physically. This is not the way I imagined I'd feel days before chemo. I thought I'd have a "take on the world" attitude" and maybe I will once I start, but as for now, that's not the case. I just feel plain ole lousy. Like my life isn't worth these doctors and nurses time. Like it's not worth anyone's time. This is a lot different from when I was 11, a lot more emotion involved on my part. This is really my last chance to get rid of this stupid disease. The last resort. And I hate that it's come down to this. I hear a lot of people saying that they're having a "horrible day" or "the worst day of [your]life" but I don't think anyone has ever had a truly horrible day until they've been through what most cancer patients and their families go through (don't take it too literal). I could never talk to any of my friends about this. I don't think they'd get it 'cause to be honest, I don't fully get it. I don't understand why I get like this sometimes. Sometimes I just want to sleep forever because I don't feel anything and it's peaceful when I'm sleeping and I feel like time is standing still. I guess the thing that keeps me from downing my left over morphine is the fact that I know I'm lucky to be in my position, to still be alive. Things could have easily taken a dreadful turn for the worst but they didn't. And despite how I lousy I feel at some points, I know that if death were knocking at my door, I wouldn't let it in. I'd run. And if it caught me, I'd beg for my life. So I guess I know it's not my time, so I'll keep on trying to stay afloat.


But just sometimes...